I hate myself

I hate my brain

It’s hard to enjoy life

When you feel insane.

I am living the dream

I am loving my life

Then all of a sudden,

I’m imagining a knife.

To slit my wrists,

To end the pain

I suffer and suffer inside, 

To what gain?

On the outside I’m happy

It doesn't make sense.

Why does my mind hate me

I'm always on defense.

The love of my life

Good friends and support

Apparently aren’t enough

Because to trauma brain, I resort

Can you ever really

 teach a brain new tricks?

Or will it keep on trying to sabotage 

until you're finally lying in the sticks?

I wish I knew how to shut it off. 

It can grow so loud.

All I want to do is hide, distract myself

Cry, scream, or shout.

I don’t want to die, I say

But my mind wants it bad

It wants me to let it win

To give up all I've ever had.

My kids save me on the daily

Something true love can’t even do

But my mind tells me I’m not good enough

For him, for them, for you.

It holds on tight to hope, 

I feel it, I won't give up

But the anger must go somewhere

Like water overflowing from a cup

It attaches itself to the smallest trigger,

Even those I can usually ignore.

But the anger comes crashing down

Likes waves upon a shore

Take cover because where it goes, 

Is anybody’s guess.

I hate this about me. 

It’s the hardest to address.

Because underneath every emotion

This anger sits and waits. 

For it’s chance to be released

It sits and dangles its bait.

& when you caress its trigger

However gentle you may be…

The wrath of nearly 40 years

Explodes out of me…

It’s rarely ever seen anymore,

Except by those who love me most

But it scares me because it controls me

I'm just it’s simple host.

This anger is more aware than I am 

Of the wrongs that I've been dealt.

It’s been my most trusted companion, 

Some of the only empowerment I've felt.

How do I let that go?

How do I stand up for me?

Without it I am empty.

But without it I am FREE.