I often describe mental health with metaphors to illustrate how it impacts my everyday life and the process of healing and coping. I refer to depression as the pit and the healing and coping as planting gardens along the way. Depression, however, doesn’t always look the same. The pit may seem similar but different mental illnesses can lead to depression, and each has its own brand of torture. One of the gardens I tend in my pit allows me to see my own challenges as blessings to better understand myself and to relate to others like me. I have different kinds of mental disorders, which grant me the ability to compare the different kinds of depression I go through. General depression, depression from trauma, and depression from OCD hurt differently. Similar vibe, similar thought processes, but felt from a different aspect of pain.

1. General Depression

General Depression is something many people can relate to. It’s the gloom you just can’t hide from, the extra weight that you carry,  and the inability to perform the most menial of tasks for the lack of emotional and physical energy.  It can come and go for many, others linger in the melancholy, while still others fight not to stay caught within it’s grasp with lifestyle change and/or medication.  Depression hides behind the mask of smiles and laughter, forcing what little energy we can muster to be put into maintaining some semblance of functionality, and that’s on our best days.  On our worst days, it beats us up from the inside out while we are left craving the escape of isolation, dissociation, or better yet, the nothingness void of sleep.  Depression in general is relatable to your very own customized parasite draining you in every capacity for it’s own pleasure and sustenance.  Deprive your brain of it’s necessary chemical reactions and it creates a war.  You fight for growth and stability. Depression fights for ultimate defeat.

2. Depression from Trauma

Trauma depression is like general depression, but the pain is caused by a real, tragic event.  I don't want to confuse grief with depression. Grief sometimes leads to depression, but the two are different states of being.  Depression from trauma carries a similar weight to grief, though.  It’s heavy like general depression but the heaviness is a bit rawer,  a bit more personal, and slightly more constrictive.  It feels like a weight on your shoulders that makes even breathing a struggle and standing a feat of strength. This depression is more than just a chemical imbalance — it’s the result of something done to you, something that happened to you, something that was beyond your control.  It’s a betrayal, a loss, a cut so deep that you question everything you’ve known.  For those with complex traumas, it is only that much more compounded.  The depression resulting from trauma is distinct to me. It's hard to pull myself out of.  It makes me feel worthless, dirty, lazy, and unwanted.  I have learned to sense my depression before it hits too hard. (I discuss my depression cycles in my blog The Breaking of a Cycle)   I use this advantage to beat depression before it has a chance to set in.  However, for me, the weight of this one is harder to shake off. It’s the one that isolates me the longest.

3. Depression from OCD

People don't realize that OCD can lead to depression, but that is because most people don't actually understand what OCD is.  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is not getting upset by things being untidy or out of order.  If you are obsessed with symmetry and order, most likely you have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD).  OCD causes such intense anxiety that it interrupts your day. You feel the anxiety to such an intensity that you must do something to relieve it.  Your brain tells you to do something, say something, think something in order to stop the anxiety, tricking your brain into thinking it has control over something totally uncontrollable.  My biggest compulsions are checking the stoves and unplugging things.  At night right as I am about to go to sleep is when they tend to take over.  Most of my OCD is pure O, constant obsessive thoughts that never manifest into action.  I used to play games in my head as a kid and young adult and sometimes find that I still do it in ways I wasn’t aware of.  If I am anxious about something I will set ultimatums. For example, “If the volume number is even when I turn on the car, I won’t have a wreck when I leave the house.” (Silly, I know. Trust me, people with OCD KNOW how silly they look, sound, and act.) My biggest Pure O theme is perfectionism.  I expect perfection, or at least my idea of perfection.  From myself more than other people, but I tend to project this theme onto others quite a bit through micromanaging and anger.  Another form of Pure O is compulsive praying.  For the longest time, I used prayer as a way to relieve my anxiety. Prayer works, of course, but prayer as a compulsion is not healthy faith.  I want my prayers to be meaningful and from the heart.  I still pray for comfort during anxiety attacks but I try to be aware of my words. For someone with OCD, letting go of control is enormous; entrusting it to God is life-changing.  Surrender has greatly helped both my OCD and my faith.  So how does one get depression from OCD?  Depression from OCD, for me, comes from being overwhelmed by the brutality and anger coming from inside my own mind.  It is like another entity in your head telling you that you are terrible at everything and everything is your fault, causing you to run in circles to try to please its every demand to your own detriment.  If depression is your very own form of torture, then OCD is your very own personal torturer.  Many people with OCD refer to their disorder as an entity within itself (“My OCD tells me”) It feels like an outside source, not your own mind turned against you.  Depression from OCD feels like giving up. It feels like utter failure.  The familiar weight and overall feeling of numbness are there, usually because you’ve given your all and it isn’t enough, or you are just exhausted from trying to control everything. And it’s all your fault, so you’re bombarded with guilt and shame.  You’re a failure.  You might as well give up.   Depression in general can tell you the same thing, but it can be different coming from a burnt-out brain that is trying to do the work no human can accomplish.  Luckily, my OCD is much better, I rarely struggle like I used to.  Again, my faith and surrender to God save me every day, multiple times a day, yet I still fail.  And I am learning to be okay with that and use it not just to my own advantage, but to help others as well.

There are many different forms depression can take.  Each person's experience is different, yet we feel the same symptoms with our own personal flavor.  Recognizing your patterns is a huge step in healing. This month in our newsletter, we are giving away a free depression tracker to help you get started recognizing those patterns and heading depression off before it starts.  Let us know how you like it in the comments or use #ALPDepressionTracker to share on social media.