The first week of quarantine came and went. Between sanitizing and keeping sanity I was staying busy trying to meet the needs of my children.
Life had completely changed in a matter of a week. We went from normal routines and schedules to everything being canceled and no idea when it would begin again.
My son wanted to know when he could see his friends. My daughter wanted to know when she could get her dress for her first prom. They had questions I didn’t have answers to.

Hell, I had questions I didn’t have answers to.

The weight of the unanswered questions swarmed me... I was needing to return to work, having burned up a good chunk of my leave time staying home with River while he was sick. Where would my kids stay? How would I make sure their educational needs were being met? How would I make sure I kept my family safe if I went back to work? How would I continue to meet our needs if I didn’t go back?

Beyond the pressures of the present loomed the pressures of the past. Things that had weighed heavy on me before COVID-19. Things left unresolved. Things that had no resolution. Things that complicated and hurt before quarantine were just as consuming during it.

This unique time period of pausing has had us all processing some deep-seeded issues. It’s sink or swim style when you’re alone on the journey. And when you're a parent, sinking is not an option.

Like Dory says, just keep swimming.

But sometimes I dont want to keep swimming. I want to fall apart and someone else hold the weight for a minute. Or I want to have someone to have my back in hard situations with my children. Or I want someone to find solutions to life problems with. Sometimes, I just want a hug.

Being a single parent means rarely being alone, but it often means feeling very lonely. You do your best to put on the brave face and meet the needs of those depending on you, and take what's leftover if you can. Usually, there's not much left. Being solo means making do on a lot of levels.

But sometimes making do falls short. As the pressure mounts and the anxiety rises, the emotional overflow from your "things" spills over on the people you’ve been doing your best to protect.

Social connections and supports are your lifelines during these times of need. They are a crucial component of keeping composure.

I have long considered myself fortunate to have those supports in my close friends and family. The people I count in my inner circle have made it there because of what they bring to my table and me to theirs. It's a mutually reciprocated circle, trying to help and love each other through the hard times.

We are a tribe, from all places, all ages, connected through blood, or sweat, or tears, or all of the above. Some of my tribe I see often. Some only once in a blue moon. But always they are part of my inner circle and a blessing to my life. I needed that circle. I needed my tribe.

Among the tribe members is someone I consider my soul sister, Andrea. We had been friends for several years, growing closer with each passing one. In the last 2 years, she has been one of my rocks as I went through some of my hardest life struggles. She coached me, cried with me, and loved me out of cycles I wanted to fall back in. She was a saving grace. 

Her family has become very intertwined with my own. Her children and mine are friends. We would spend many nights playing games as families. Having dinners together. Andrea’s husband Matt, Andrea, and I spent many hours talking and laughing. Giving and getting advice. So when Andrea and Matt talked to me about joining them and waiting out quarantine on the farm, it seemed like another saving grace. Something my heart was desperate for in all the uncertainty and fragility around me.

Some would consider leaving your own home to relocate your family a town over as a rash move. In hindsight, I can see how crazy it all sounded. Telling my parents I was going to go stay with my friend down the road. Moving my clothes and food stock and pets...even moving a bed in for my daughter… all seem very extreme from the exterior. But from the interior, I was overstressed and under-supported. I was struggling to deal with increasing levels of anxiety and it was starting to leak out on everything and everyone around me. Matt and Andrea saw this. They wanted to help and love me through this time.

And I'm so thankful they did.

Quarantine turned into a social experiment. One we’re all still a part of. For me, it became an active practice in something I had wanted for many years. A community living setting… a place where people worked and played and lived together towards common goals and values. I had visited intentional communities in years past...Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage being one of the most interesting and constructive examples...places where people of all ages and stages of life lived together in a shared lifestyle.

I saw the beauty and connectedness of it. I had hopes of one day finding my own intentional community to join, but life has a way of making new directions for you.

Unintentionally, I had found myself back towards this path I had been drawn to in years past. And on this path is where I discovered more than I was looking to find. And so the journey began. And so it continues.