Things that changed at Quarantine:

1- Nobody knows whats going on, who to believe, or what.
2- Getting random and once mundane items becomes difficult and expensive.
3-Going out in public is potentially dangerous...keep your distance.
4-Seeing people you know is potentially dangerous...keep your distance. 

That first week of March was a lot of growing uncertainty. It was dominating the media conversation. It was dominating the individual conversation. I could hear it being whispered about over the cubicle walls at work. I heard about it when I called to check in on my friends and family.

The questions about what was coming were becoming more numerous than the answers. Every outing was starting to seem more risky. How it was transmitted was in question...How long the virus could last on surfaces and at what temperatures? How long it took to show symptoms? How the outcomes of those infected became more unclear. Could our health care system could handle the potential load? Could people even get tested to know if they had it...or could they afford to?

I could feel the weight of that uncertainty building on me.

The week the world changed I was getting my supplies ready, “just in case”. I had been paying attention enough to know having a few extra items on hand would be smart. The toilet paper, for reasons still mysterious to me, had started being bought in bulk. Even in our small town toilet paper, along with hand sanitizer and Clorox Wipes, had become hard to find. I had inclinings the store runs might be increasing as the uncertainty grew. Payday had just hit, so I made an emergency supply list and went to town.

As someone who solo parents, I try to anticipate the struggle ahead….and how to navigate it. The struggle is real right? One coping skill I have leaned on in my struggle navigation is List Making. I make lists for everything. Lists for groceries. Lists of house To Do’s. List of job To Do’s. List for kids’ To Do’s. List of bills due.

The list keeps going….

Lists help name needs. Lists help organize and prioritize. Lists are a way to try and regain control when there’s so much that seems out of control.
So armed with my list I set out to prepare for the uncertain tomorrow.
And ironically the very next night I had a feverish child on my hands.

Thank goodness for the extra medication and supplies I had just picked up. I hadn’t planned to use them so soon, but I was thankful they were there. As we isolated at home, we stayed away from others, unsure of what kind of sickness my son River had. I did my best to make sure I kept my healthy child away from my sick child. I had my work cut out for me in my 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. I made lists of objectives to achieve….sanitize bathroom each morning and evening. Keep log of River’s temperature and times he took medication. The weekend came and went. And my list grew again as school was canceled “until further notice”. Let’s add ensuring the remainder of my child’s elementary and high school education to that list.

But one thing at a time.

My boy’s fever had increased from low grade to 103. He felt terrible. Wouldn’t eat. I kept cool rags on his head and tried to keep him comfortable, but it wasn’t working. I felt powerless. And exhausted. And lonely. I didn’t have another adult to lean into. And in so much uncertainty, maintaining a calm for my children became a challenge. I knew we would have to go to the doctor. I knew that was risky in it’s own ways. But I knew he wasn’t getting better on his own.

To the doctor we go.

Hand Sanitizer. Check
Gloves. Check
Masks. Check
Touch Nothing!!! Check

As we sat in the waiting room, hands in our laps, I wondered if my boy had COVID-19. What that would mean. What we would have to do as a family. When the lab work finally came back I found myself relieved to learn River had the flu...Flu B to be exact. Never have I been glad for my children to have the flu, but this is a strange new world. And better the enemy you know than the enemy you don’t. 

I proceeded to ride the next half of the week out, helping my boy best as I could. Helping my daughter stay well. Praying I stayed well. Wondering what would come after he got well. Would I return to work? Was that safe? Where would the children go? Who would help them with their school while I was away? I was feeling even more anxious and sad and confused about what to do and how to anticipate the struggle ahead. And there was no listing my way out of it.

So I prayed. Something I had been doing throughout. But I prayed and I prayed some more. Hoping for the right thing to reveal itself. Hoping to know the best thing to do for my family. Hoping to find a way to get through the upcoming crisis without becoming completely overwhelmed, unable to meet the needs of those depending on me. I prayed to be enough for everyone, and for God to take control so that I might be.

And God works in mysterious ways to help us meet our needs. Deep needs that our souls yearn for, but our minds haven’t understood.

Needs that we can’t list.