Overwhelming.  

If I could sum up this whole Coronavirus experience for me with one word, that would be it.  

I had my family home with me and a plan to scope the situation from a safe distance, at least until we knew more about what was going on.  The drama and emotional baggage didn’t take long to be stirred up, though. The. Day. Before. We decided to quarantine ourselves, my daughter, who is a junior in high school, got the phone call that she had been waiting on for 2 months.  Her prom dress was in.  We made the decision to wait to pick it up….which brought on the anxiety in my daughter.  Will her first prom happen?  She had to mourn the fact that it was very possible that it would not. Her junior prom was canceled…. We still haven’t picked up her dress. I am sure it will be a bittersweet day when we do.  

My other kiddos had their own issues with quarantining. They are involved in extracurricular activities that are important to them.  Emotions were high, including my own.  I was doing my best to keep it together, but that whole first week, I ended up either overwhelmed by the situation of not knowing what was going on, what was going to happen and when, or by the amount of drama and emotions that were being hurled at me.  

I felt like I was in a hurry up and wait situation.  I had an inner agitation, an inner unrest that I couldn’t shake.  How in the world would I end up handling this mess? AAANNNDDD…. this is where my friend, Depression, likes to stick her nose into my business and start up her talking.  She says things like, “You won’t handle it. You have never been good enough. You suck in a crisis. Remember when you did..blah blah blah.” If you suffer from depression, you know.  You get good at ignoring that stupid voice that doesn’t ever seem to shut up, but in crisis situations, things are harder.  I had no idea how hard this situation was going to be, but I am aware enough to know that I am either fixing to buck up and push through some hard stuff, or I am going to turn inward and regress.  Like I said in my last blog, I had just peeked my head out of the pit for a bit after a long 1.5 year bout with depression.  I was just beginning to see myself in the mirror again. Knowing all my recent hard work could be for nothing...that alone triggers depression.  I was fighting it hard.

Dealing with all of my kids’ emotions, while barely maintaining my own was not the situation I wanted to be in.  Being aware of yourself doesn’t stop your wired reactions from happening until you put in enough effort and time to train your learned instincts to change.  It’s like knowing how you are going to react, knowing you shouldn’t, and not being able to stop it.  That feeling is so uncomfortable, that, in my experience, it usually doesn’t last long, at least not all at one time, but it does require lots of support and encouragement to get through.  I knew I would need lots of attention that no one had to give me at that moment.  I needed something to focus on, and to readjust my purpose to this new normal.  I needed to seek God.  I needed to stop trying to control the situations in my life on my own, and ask Him where my focus needed to be.  Which reminds me of a quote that I love and will leave you with by Morgan Harper Nichols :