I've been saved since I was 10, at church camp, and I knew in my heart that Jesus was real and died to save me. But at 16, I grew in that understanding and realized that I was not only a sinner and I needed saved, but that I sometimes chose to sin unconsciously and needed Jesus to help me be better every day. So, at a Brady Weldon revival at the local community center, I rededicated my life in a mature and vulnerable way. I didn't realize until I was 24 years old, that I was still allowing my demons to control me.  I knew I had prayed for forgiveness, for strength to handle things that were out of my control, but I kept putting off this feeling inside of me telling me to talk about, write about it, to get it out. I had tried, but it hadn't worked out well for me in the past. I soon realized that praying to Jesus to help me forget them, to stuff them aside, was not the answer. It was not strength to deny the things that had happened to me.  It was not wise to keep them inside where they only ate at me from the inside.  I never realized that by holding it all in, I was holding on to all the pain, shame, anger, and self hatred that came along with them. I had to own them. I had to deal with the hurt that spilled out from me on to the people I loved, because of them. 

Each of these moments in my life, my spiritual life grew. Growth is essential to our being successful in Christ. He will lead us, but we are notorious for standing in our own way. Even the people who hurt us, the ones who will never be sorry, we must forgive. That’s our responsibility. That’s on us, because by holding on to that pain, we only hurt ourselves more.  If we don’t forgive, we continue to project our pain, our failures, our demons.....onto others, including the people we love.  The world around us is not in clear perspective.  How then, are we qualified to judge anyone else's morals, Christian or not? 

Growing takes vulnerable moments, being able to step outside your comfort zone, and sometimes, even making others uncomfortable as well.  If we want to be true disciples for Christ, we must first start within ourselves.  We have to face the darkness inside before we can even begin to try to help heal another person.  Jesus’ blood wiped it all away, so we need to stop dwelling, stop being ashamed, and stop holding on to our hurt and wearing it around like armor that only keeps others out. That is not the life God wishes for us. We have to learn to truly love our souls, our strengths, our weaknesses.  We have to embrace our failures and use them to build and grow, to become better.  Because if we can not look at ourselves in an honest way and accept our own soul for all that it is, then we will only be adding our own pain to someone else's in any relationship we have.  Our judgment will not be clear, but clouded by our own custom filters.