Song Blog: Head Over Feet by Alanis Morrisette

I adore my husband.  Ask anyone. If you know us, you know that we aren’t perfect, but we are perfect for each other. No one could ever convince me that God didn’t create us especially for one another.  He is my very own sanctuary.  All of that being said, a girl with a rough past isn’t easy to love.  I pushed him away hard like I always did in relationships anytime they started to get too real.  I would do and say impulsive and mean things, all just to push, test, or get a reaction.  One day, I went too far over cabbage. How does someone go too far over cabbage? Trust me, you can, and I did. But the way Matthew handled that situation with me was so different than anything I had ever experienced. 

This is my song to my Matthew.  

I had no choice but to hear you

You stated your case time and again. 

I thought about it.

Many times when we are wrapped up in emotions, we can’t hear anyone else.  All we can hear is our perspective, our desires because what we are feeling is so overwhelming. When we try not to feel that fervor, it can come out in weird ways (like being a total meanie-head over cabbage for no reason at all) affecting people we care about.  Instead of getting angry and fighting or placing blame, Matt told me how my actions made him feel.  He set boundaries.  He told me what he wanted, but what he wouldn’t put up with.  

Then, he wanted to know my feelings.  😳  Me, the person who couldn’t even feel her own physical pain at the time. What did I feel?

No one had ever forced me or known how to make me have that conversation.  People had tried, trust me.  But for the first time in my life, at that moment, I had a lesson in conflict resolution. He made me THINK about my feelings before I voiced them. 

You treat me like, I’m a princess

I’m not used to liking that.

You ask how my day was. 

My sweet husband is considerate, selfless, and kind.  He genuinely likes me as a person. The things he does for me, and the quality time that I receive from him, surprise and please me at the same time.  He is affectionate and I enjoy it in a way that I never have before. I am not used to feeling the way he makes me feel or the simple pleasure I get from the fact that he is actually very interested in what I am doing. He enjoys me as a person. It’s nice, but it did take some getting used to, some trusting. Those same acts that are pleasing to me when done in a trusting and patient way, before would have forced my guards up. Instead, now I am pulling into them. 

(chorus)

You’ve already won me over in spite of me

So don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet

And don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are

I couldn’t help it

It’s all your fault.

Despite me, despite my past, despite the fight it was to gain my trust, I adore my husband. I adore him because he was patient, he was consistent, and he took the time to see underneath the facade that I thought was who I was.  He saw me before I even saw me.  & I cannot help being in love with him,.  He is the kindest, most generous, caring, understanding, and patient person I have ever known.  & not just with me, with our kids, with our friends, with our families, with our clients, with EVERYONE.  He is genuine.  I love him for all that he is and it is totally all his fault.

Your love is thick, 

And it swallowed me whole

You’re so much braver than I give you credit for 

That’s not lip service.

Matt’s love IS thick. I never knew what that really even meant until I felt his love and then saw it in action.  It’s all-encompassing.  It is there at the forefront of every decision he makes. & it’s not just his love for me. It’s his love for God, his love for everyone. It has swallowed me whole and transformed me into a better person.  The bravery and patience and love that it takes to be that vulnerable while still being able to be so confident in himself still astounds me. 

(chorus)

You are the bearer of unconditional things

You held your breath and the door for me.

Thanks for your patience…

Before Matt, unconditional was an elusive word for me.  I knew my family loved me, but unconditional…. ?? My self-image and outlook on life were very construed, and I wasn’t sure unconditional was even a real thing.  & I am not even talking about unconditional love, not really. Because let’s face it, the only love that is totally unconditional is Agape love, the love of God.  We strive for that type of love every single day as Christians, but we fail every day too.  What I am talking about is unconditional support, unconditional trust.  Being in a relationship where you are a team and support is a given, patience and understanding are a given. I had never known that before.  He dealt with my trauma and has put up with some things that no one should have to put up with because of it.  He not only is a gentleman, holding doors, but he held his breath while I fought through some hard stuff, and he never once left my side no matter how difficult it got.

(instrumental)

You’re the best listener, I’ve ever met

You’re my best friend, best friend with benefits.

What took me so long?

I’ve never felt this healthy before,

I’ve never wanted something rational. 

I am aware now.

Oh

I am aware now. 

If you know my husband, he’s probably the best listener you have ever met, as well, or right up at the top. He is my very best friend, and intimacy in any form with him is my sanctuary.  My mental and physical wellbeing is better than it has ever been.  Before Matt and the cabbage incident, I was a ball of chaotic, restrained, and overwhelming emotions.  I jumped from relationship to relationship based on the way the wind blew.  I had no idea who I was, what I wanted, or even how I felt.  I was a leaf blowing in the wind of life.  I never wanted something rational, but

I am aware now.