I hate myself.
I hate myself
I hate my brain
It’s hard to enjoy life
When you feel insane.
I am living the dream
I am loving my life
Then all of a sudden,
I’m imagining a knife.
To slit my wrists,
To end the pain
I suffer and suffer inside,
To what gain?
On the outside I’m happy
It doesn't make sense.
Why does my mind hate me
I'm always on defense.
The love of my life
Good friends and support
Apparently aren’t enough
Because to trauma brain, I resort
Can you ever really
teach a brain new tricks?
Or will it keep on trying to sabotage
until you're finally lying in the sticks?
I wish I knew how to shut it off.
It can grow so loud.
All I want to do is hide, distract myself
Cry, scream, or shout.
I don’t want to die, I say
But my mind wants it bad
It wants me to let it win
To give up all I've ever had.
My kids save me on the daily
Something true love can’t even do
But my mind tells me I’m not good enough
For him, for them, for you.
It holds on tight to hope,
I feel it, I won't give up
But the anger must go somewhere
Like water overflowing from a cup
It attaches itself to the smallest trigger,
Even those I can usually ignore.
But the anger comes crashing down
Likes waves upon a shore
Take cover because where it goes,
Is anybody’s guess.
I hate this about me.
It’s the hardest to address.
Because underneath every emotion
This anger sits and waits.
For it’s chance to be released
It sits and dangles its bait.
& when you caress its trigger
However gentle you may be…
The wrath of nearly 40 years
Explodes out of me…
It’s rarely ever seen anymore,
Except by those who love me most
But it scares me because it controls me
I'm just it’s simple host.
This anger is more aware than I am
Of the wrongs that I've been dealt.
It’s been my most trusted companion,
Some of the only empowerment I've felt.
How do I let that go?
How do I stand up for me?
Without it I am empty.
But without it I am FREE.
