Relationships with others and ourselves

This month’s newsletter has to do with one of my favorite topics: Relationships. I am fascinated by people’s relationships with each other, whether it is a relationship between lovers, family, or friends. No matter the type of relationship, each can have a dramatic impact on our sense of self. I have seen firsthand how these relationships can either enhance or hinder our ability to become “whole”.

What does it mean to be whole? Wholeness is defined as,” unity; the state of being unbroken or undamaged.” To be a “whole” person implies that we have a deep understanding of ourselves; what our values and ideals are, and why they are that way. By understanding these aspects we are able to live an authentic and present life. We are not hindered by needing to shrink ourselves smaller, or conform to societal norms, or being torn by our traumas. We are in control of our existence.

But how many can claim an existence of wholeness? Between our work personas, our social media profiles, and the ways we interact in our exterior circles, we may lead lives that don’t reflect our true values and ideas more often than it does. The ways that we think and feel inside may not be socially acceptable. We may not feel supported or encouraged to express certain parts of ourselves. We may even feel threatened and ostracized if we do. So we hide it. Keep it isolated. Keep it inside of ourselves. 

There are a great many people that never express these parts of themselves outside of their own minds. And slowly, that silence can kill off aspects of our authentic nature. And this is a great loss...a silent killer that many people live with daily. And it is a killer that has almost everything to do with lack of healthy relationships.

Most people cannot develop into their wholeness in isolation. We learn more about ourselves and our internal boundaries through our interactions with others. The types of relationships we surround ourselves with can help us understand these aspects better... or cloud the waters of understanding further.

I listened to a podcast recently discussing the positive effects of being in a loving relationship. The interview was between two friends, one who often took on the role of mentor to the other. It was determined throughout the exchange that the mentor got just as much from their talks as the one receiving the advice. But how could that be? While the advice was given, the mentor remarked how it helped him to solidify his own understanding and experiences of himself. It helped to give shape to his life in a different way that it hadn’t had prior to those conversations. Meanwhile, the friend was gaining valuable insight that helped him to get past issues in his life that were hurting him. His appreciation for this was apparent as they interacted. The friend getting advice complimented the traits of his mentor friend. He mirrored who he was back to him in a positive and loving light. They had a reciprocal loop between each other that helped them to see themselves more clearly, and with more love. 

Reflecting on this podcast, I began to contemplate the relationships in my life that have allowed me to exist in my wholeness and better understand what that wholeness is. There has been a tendency throughout my life to be terribly self-sabotaging.  My life, like many others, has had many unfortunate events...some done to me by others, but some done to me by myself. I couldn't see past these parts of my life at times. They would assault me through memories and physical responses. I would be bombarded with feedback loops that kept me from being fully present and functioning in my own life, the consequences of which played out in years-long karmatic ripples. It has taken me a long time to accept these parts of my life, and not be haunted by them.

These hurting parts of my soul interfered with my ability to govern my life, keeping me instead unconsciously reactive to what I was experiencing at the time. I was half of myself, living in shadows and darkness.

And it was the light of relationships in my life that brought me out of that valley, so I could understand my whole soul in a more truthful way.

Self-loathing is a corrosive emotion that keeps people stuck in cycles. It can keep us stuck because we’re too harsh, shamed, guilty, and disheartened to believe we are more than the sum of our sins. We feed ourselves a looped message of all the reasons this is true. We give up control of our life to the destructive tendencies of our psychosis. It can be almost impossible to pull ourselves out of this spot on our own. And this is where the relationships in our lives can be absolutely essential...or damning.

Whatever the relationship may be, the dynamics of them can be helpful or hurtful towards us becoming those better people we want to be. I have experienced both, and I believe it’s helpful to examine and understand their impacts. Hurtful relationships are the antithesis to wholeness. These types of relationships keep a person in pieces and parts, boxes and bias. These relationships have you questioning your abilities and worth. It leaves you chronically unsteady, and unsure of how to be more than your reactive and wounded nature. They bring out the negative aspects of our triggers and traumas, in full-blown reactionary force. 

Conversely, I have been fortunate to have people around me that genuinely love who I am, and helped to influence me towards the better. They reminded me I was more than my negative feedback loops. They gently listened and talked me through the dark times, and into lighter ways. In the process, I began to understand myself in new ways, and see myself with a more loving heart. A heart that my people had for me, and through their love, I was able to have for myself. 

Deep and authentic relationships with others move us past our hang-ups because we are compelled to see past our own perspectives. Our healthy relationships can be a mirror by which we can see ourselves in a new and more loving way… or one with which we see ourselves through judgements, criticisms, and bias. What relationships we choose to nurture can make all the difference in our progress and healing. It can be difficult to love ourselves as we love those most precious to us. But being capable of that type of self-love is the first step towards wholeness.